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A DOG'S PRAYERS
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers but seldom,
if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit but not ONE is named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are,
will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the
things I'd like you to help me remember
so I can be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell!
The sofa is not a face towel; neither is Mom
and Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when companyis over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when
I play with him and he
makes those noises
I will remember it's
not a good thing.
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back please?
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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE
TO CHANGE
A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me!
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russel Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb?? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a litt circle…
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry
THE CATS ANSWER TO THIS....
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“Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH
PROVES ONCE AGAIN THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS...
...CATS HAVE STAFF.
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10 REASONS WHY YOUR DOG'S HAIRCUT
COSTS MORE THAN YOURS!
1. You don’t go for 8 weeks and NEVER wash or brush your hair.
2. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to CARRY you back and forth, kicking and screaming, to the sink.
3. Your hairdresser doesn’t wash and clean your rear end and give you a sanitary trim!
4. Your hairdresser doesn’t clean your ears!
5. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to remove the boogies from your eyes.
6. You sit still. You don’t bite and scratch your hairdresser.
7. Your hair cut doesn’t include a manicure and pedicure.
8. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts hair on your head!
9. You don’t decide to do an Operatic Solo at the top of your lungs and encourage all the other patrons to join in!
10.The likelihood of you peeing or pooping while your hair is being cut is slim. (we hope) |
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How Dogs And Men Are The Same
Source: FLSaucy
· Both take up too much space on the bed.
· Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
· Both mark their territory.
· Neither tells you what's bothering them.
· The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
· Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
· Neither do any dishes.
· Both fart shamelessly.
· Neither of them notice when you get your haircut.
· Both like dominance games.
· Both are suspicious of the postman.
· Neither understands what you see in cats.
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You know you're a dog person when...
You have more dog beds; chew toys, collars, leishes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.
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| Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our grand dogs.")
90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).
You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.
You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the Laundromat or dry cleaners.
The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
Your photos and Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).
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| Beware of Dog!
Source: JOSEPH E OFFENBACHER
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" | 
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"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." |
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DOGGY HUMOR
